you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize