I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What drink are we having for lunch?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
