how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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