wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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