just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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