I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
