I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
