The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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