I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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