It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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