the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
