Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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