nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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