I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
