If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
