you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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