God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
