Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
