My boss' voice literally gives me gas
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
