Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
