I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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