I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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