Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
