R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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