I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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