I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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