I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
