No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
