last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
