I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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