some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
