Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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