I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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