brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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