I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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