i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
