It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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