you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
