How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Randomize
