Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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