Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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