It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
