ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize