Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
