I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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