my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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