Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
