Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
