it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
