Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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