we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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