Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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