I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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